^My sleepy baby boy

I’ve been thinking lately… I’ve gone to a bunch of “cancer” related things whether it be the art therapy yesterday or other events or people talking to me at the hospital etc. and when I see them or talk to them they I think they’ve been battling cancer or chemo for some time now and for the most part it’s just the opposite.  They talk like it’s been years and years and for so many it’s been a year or less and they were operable and only had to or have to have so many chemo treatments and then they are done.  They are good to go.  I watched a woman at my chemo last week finish her last one that day.  Sure I am jealous of that, wish I could say ‘Well… only 6 more and I’m done” sadly with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer that is not possible.  You are on chemo until you die which for most is under a year or definitley under 5 years if they are lucky to see “years” and yes stage 4 I’m talking about…… unless the chemo does shrink the tumors and you are operable like my friend Ken!  He’s awesome.  That is the goal for patients but in panc it doesn’t happen all that much like it should and hopefully will one day.   Anyways, I think… should I be more negative or show more sadness and lay in bed more?   Should I complain more, should I be more closed off…. I don’t know.  I kinda feel like people don’t believe me at times because they see my outside appearance and think I’m not that bad when in reality I haven’t heard of a person having a worse case – period. I say if you were diagnosed over the age of 26 and have had kids and raised a family… any one of those things – then you are better off then myself, case closed.

In any case, today on my morning show of Good Morning America they talked about some matching dating sites and the top 2 things that people look for in a person are 1. Eyes and 2. Teeth.  Woohoo!! If I ever become single again I am golden!!! haha sorry hun   I get complimented on my natural cool eyes daily (think you people) and my teeth are naturally perfect (thank you God).  You wouldn’t believe my worst fear EVER is going to the dentist – I can’t staaaand going and yet I’ve NEVER had a cavity! ha!

Today I just can’t help but SMILE!!!  Oh, because I got a good nights sleep last night?  NOOOOO and yes I’ve asked my doctor and she doesn’t know but I know.  I have a LOT going on in my head. I can’t shut it off.  I write it all down and it’s still a million thoughts flowing and I don’t know.  I took 2 Ambien last night to help and they eventually knocked me out around 2am but I was back at it before 7am.  My body has been hurting because of my lack of sleep, not cool.  I have a million things I need to get done before I go out of town and maybe if I wasn’t such an OCD perfectionist this wouldn’t be a problem, but I am.  Anyways I was still smiling all today!! A friend and I were buttoning up next weeks plans today and it’s all coming together perfectly! I even saved $200 on airfare today!!!  I joke to Tim that he has never planned a trip for me but the truth is I would never want him to!  I am an expert in trips and a super savvy deal getter!  I’ve been doing this since our high school days when I was such an amateur  in planning spring break trips but have come a long way.  Tim would type in Google “Florida beach vacation” and go to some website where things are packaged and spend 8x as much as I would.  For anyone that has forgotten next week is Florida… it’s ok, I will remind you when I am showing the gorgeous pictures on here… haha!

I am finally getting the chance to sit down right now so I am going to continue resting the rest of this evening!

Below is the pic of my $30 “score” from yesterday… it was a “1 for you…2 for me” kinda thing… hahaha!

xoxo ~ Ashley