She’s gone

This is been a very difficult difficult time in my life friday I had to say good by and cremate my love Ashley. She was and will away be the love of my life and she is gone now. I never dreamed I would be looking for urns to put my wife’s remains in at such a young age in my life. No one in life is ever ready to die but at least at an older age you are more prepared or at least have something’s decided. We never even talked about the possibility of it because we though we could be the exception to this disease. We fought harder and pushed the doctors farther than they thought was even possible. We showed them that the will to live is stronger than there medicines. Ashley not only had pancreatic cancer mass she had a very rare cervical cancer of the gland that has spread from the cervix to the other locations. She had cancer not only on her pancreas tail but in her pelvis, cervix, overies, peritoneal omentum, bowel, abdominal cavity, small intestine and colon and most likly liver. My wife would be upset with me but I feel I must tell everyone this because this is a testament to how strong she really was. This type of adenocarcinoma is so rare the surgeon only had see two others cases like it in his career. How it spread from the cervical area to other locations without detection is beyond him. But my guess is her body kept fighting it off trying to stop the cancer from spreading. Unfortunately it keep spreading quietly and was undetected by her white blood cells or they were just Overwhelmed by the amount. This is why she had such a wide spread of cancer and her little body was riddled with it I think. She will ALWAYS be part of the PC family because there is no way that we could tell 100% that her ppancreatic cancer was not a separate primary location. This is mainly because were unable to resect the large pancreatic mass on her pancreas and compare that to the cells resected. The girls at the infusion center when I went there the other day told me they could not believe how much cancer she had. She was still functioning and looked so good all of the time they said. Don’t take this the wrong way I told them but my wife looks better dead than most people do alive and that’s the truth we lived life the best we could. I told them this is why I struggled with cremation I wanted people to see here so beautiful looking as always. But the thought of putting her under ground and letting her slowly decay is not the way she would want it. There is no good answer here but at least there is no pain any more.

10 comments on “She’s gone

  1. Sheron Stanfield says:

    Bless her heart. She suffered more than anyone knew. She was one brave young woman. Yes, she was beautiful. When I think of her I think of the prettiest little angel. Most beautiful probably describes her best. Her heart was bigger than the body that Carry her heart around. Tim take one day at a time and know she was truly devoted to you and your love. Praying for you. A doctor told me, unless I misunderstood that PC leaks to other organs and spreads. My brother in law died in June and he was at MD Anderson for trials. His cancer spread so fast. So we know the heartache PC causes. Sheron

  2. Patti says:

    Praying peace for you Tim. Ashley never ever had to doubt your love for her nor her for you. What an awesome testimony that you both have. Through the storms that would have drown a lesser person you both grew and blossomed and loved even more. I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you must surely be feeling. Ashley will always be a part of you and those of us who were blessed to find her blog. God Bless you.

  3. Gail says:

    Find comfort in how blessed you and Ashley were to have each other. Some people spend years together, even a lifetime, and do not have the love you and Ashley shared. It is so hard to understand why this awful disease reared its pain on Ashley. She was so determined and brave throughout her battle. Rest assured, she is at peace now and watching over you. Nothing can take away the beautiful memories you have…cherish them. May The Lord bless you, Tim.

  4. Lola says:

    Oh that poor poor brave girl. Glad she is no longer in pain but know you are suffering terribly. Praying for you and pray you take time for yourself to heal. Writing here may help. xxoo

  5. Kary Parker says:

    So many things to take care of when we lose someone. It’s hard when there isn’t “a plan,” but I am sure you are making all the right decisions for Ashley that she couldn’t make herself. She battled hard and, from following her journal here, it’s obvious she had a tremendous impact on so many lives. And you are right, there is no good answer, but she isn’t in pain anymore, and I hope that will continue to comfort you even if only in a small way. And when there is an especially hard day, sometimes we have to remind ourselves of the most basic things…..good air in, bad air out. Just breathe, and put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

    Take care…………..Kary

  6. Mini says:

    Dear Tim
    Believe me when I say those in the PC family around the world are grieving with you and for you. This disease is so cruel and heartless and you are right to feel angry and cheated. You both gave it your best. You both fought with dignity and faith and within the fight you found the true depth of love’s power. To lose someone you love with all your heart is so unfair, and it’s especially so when it’s someone as young as Ashley.
    If anything can be gained from such a sad loss it’s that Ashley is no longer in pain. As much as we hope, pray and beg for a miracle sometimes it’s just not meant to be. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers and hope that you find some peace. Sadly life continues without those we love and somehow we find a greater strength within us to keep living a different life than the one we wanted. You will always have Ashley just as she has taken you with her, Tim.Take care . If you allow us we will be here to somehow help you find your way through this incredible loss. Xxxx

    • Colleen says:

      So sorry Tim. I am sorry that you and Ashley were given this road to haul. You both fought hard, and you have been there for her and honored her. You will continue to be in our prayers.
      Colleen and Joe Winn

  7. elaine mclaughlin says:

    Your letter was quite moving.I think you are doing the right thing for your own healing,by
    realizing that you are not alone. Keep asking the questions. I think we are all made to do that.Great writers have tried to answer the same big questions you ask. You have a wider vision now,which can help you stay on the straight path.You did not have to meander towards old age to learn what you now know are life’s priorities.
    I still think that you could keep investigating,remembering,observing, comparing til you make sense of Ashley’s cancer. The fact that it was rare seems to me to make the unique clues more significant. I don’t believe that her disease was punishment,evil, or testing ,but rather what the body properly reacted to,considering what it was given or not given. . If we were not ignorant of the answer, I think we could have changed the course. What were those circumstances? What was the diet? What was the water source? Were there medicines taken or chemicals that the body couldn’t handle? Sometimes it seems like the possibilities for an answer are as many as the grains of sands on the desert,but you know one of them is the THE ONE.I have wondered about those radio communication devices police use. A friend of mine died of cancer ,a result of earlier estrogen having been given to help with fertility.
    I’m glad that although sad,you are not regretful.You gave your all.I’m glad that you know the power of love. Life is clay and spirit. I think your spirit has GREAT powers to change huge misconceptions.It DOES matter. I think the clay part needs something different than spirit. We just don’t seem to have the manual for all possibilities. Trusting in what God gave us for our bodies is a start. Being wary of unnatural things is wise.
    I’m glad you passed through the idea of suicide and found it not to be constructive.Breaking things,yelling,showing malice,denying good are also wastes of time. No amount of good deeds or luxuries will prevent you from suffering or dying.Virtue is it’s own reward.People are destined to choose good or evil all their lives,and GOOD is the better choice.

  8. Gloria McKenzie says:

    God bless you, Tim. We know how tough this has been for you & for Ashley.

  9. Donna Cesare Ciallella says:

    You can take comfort in the fact that you truly loved Ashley and she loved you so much. She knew that you were giving your all to try to help her. She must have been suffering so much–more than anyone knew. She must have been such a beautiful person not only on the outside but inside as well. I am sure all of these says have been so hard for you. But as you said, she is no longer in pain. Please take care of yourself for Ashley.

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